The Devil's Own

In a startling discovery in the field of numerological sciences, ‘scholars’ in India have managed to ascertain the reasons behind some of the deadliest natural calamities that have distressed the world. This amazing breakthrough which was achieved during an in-depth study of ‘666 – the number of the beast’, has determined that some of the great cricketers are the real reasons behind some of the worst disasters that have hit the world.

The most renowned of Indian numerologists (an endangered species till the advent of the Karan Johars and Ekta Kapoors), while highlighting the significance of the number 666 on 6^th June 2006 (6.6.06.), have said that three consecutive sixes stand for natural disasters

"Three sixes are supposed to be very unlucky. It suggests water trauma like a tsunami."

If only someone had told this to the cricketers, some of the most dangerous calamities might have been averted. In 1984, when Ravi Shastri was going out to bat against Baroda in a Ranji game, a group of pretty young college girls blew kisses at him from the stands. Shastri went berserk and decided to get out as early as possible in order to join the girls. However, in his endeavour to hole out at long-on, he mistakenly hit Tilak Raj for 3 sixes twice in one over. Little did he know that this erroneous feat of his would lead to the Bhopal Gas Tragedy a few months later.

In December 1989, when a 16-year old schoolboy by the name of Sachin Tendulkar hit a young Mushtaq Ahmed for 2 sixes in an exhibition match, he was dared by none other than the great Abdul Qadir – “Bachche ko kya maarta hai… mujhe maar ke dikha.” Sachin, who had just had his glass of Boost, promptly decided run after Qadir to ‘beat’ him as per his dare, while lashing out in self-defence at the missiles hurled by Qadir, only to realize later that they were 4 legitimate deliveries which he had managed to hit for sixes.

The whole nation was raving at the audacity of this kid, and also at the courage of his Boost Mentor, Kapil Dev who hit 3 sixes (plus a bonus) to avoid follow-on against England at Lords a few months later. However, they did not realize then, that these very exploits could have been the reason behind the Andhra cyclones in 1990.

In the 2000-01 season, on the eve of the Jodhpur ODI against Zimbabwe, Zaheer Khan had watched a preview of his friend Karan Johar's Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham (K3G) . When he was called upon to bat in the last few overs, he was inspired by the scene in K3G where Hrithik Roshan, while batting for his college team manages to hit a six off the last ball by remembering his elder bro’s advice “Close your eyes… think of your parents… open your eyes… don’t cry… and hit six”.

However, when Zaheer closed his eyes, he could only picture Ajit Agarkar trying to kiss his girlfriend, and so he lashed out at him with his bat. As destiny would have it, the 4 times that Zaheer tried to hit Agarkar in the groin, he managed to hit Henry Olonga’s deliveries over the park. And that my friends, might well have led to the Gujarat earthquake in 2001

For those who may not remember, the Orissa cyclones (1999) were preceded by a pre-MK-Gupta-days Hansie Cronje becoming the first South African to hit 3 consecutive sixes in a Test match against Sri Lanka in late 1998. Now you might ask, why would a South African’s act lead to a disaster in India? Because we are talking about numerology, silly… and not Vaastu-shastra. Since The Devil only associates himself with numerology and discards vaastu and feng-shui, his sense of direction is not accurate.

This is the reason why Lara’s 3 sixes against Darren Lehman at Dunedin resulted in Tsunamis in South East Asia, and Gilchrist’s rampage of 3 sixes against Pakistan’s Mohammad Asif in 2005, led to the Bombay floods. However, if you thought the Aussies have had it easy, you might be surprised to know that the Devil does believe in equity and equality. Hence, Nathan Astle’s 3 consecutive sixes against West Indies in early 2006 led to a cyclone in Australia.

So, thanks to this discovery, god-forbid if there is another calamity in the next few days, you know who to blame - MS Dhoni, of course. What was he thinking when he hit Dave Mohammad for 3 consecutive sixes yesterday? Could he not have been more responsible?

Anyways, have to make a confession here – Till a few years back, I used to think that numerologists were the most jobless and useless people in the world. However, my belief was changed when a diva by the name of Ekta Kapoor came on the Indian television scene with a penchant for numerology and the letter K. I started believing in the wonders of numerology then. How else can one explain the success of her crappy soap operas?

Post Script : Last heard, Ekta Kapoor had supposedly got bored of her run-of-the-mill soaps and has decided to go the Ram Gopal Verma way by remaking some classic serials. The hit DD serial Hum Log would be remade under the Balaji banner as Kam Log, and the classic Nukkad would be re-launched (with a twist in the storyline to cover the recent bird-flu issues) as Kukkad. However, she was miffed when the Censor Board did not give her permission to remake Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana, on the grounds that the title recommended by her numerologists was inappropriate for a mythological epic.